I am a wife, mother, and business professional. These are three very different hats for me to wear at any given time, but they are all incredibly--if not necessarily equally--important. As a wife, I strive to be loving, kind, and understanding. I attempt to prioritize my husband's needs as much as possible (within reason, of course). I invest heavily in our relationship because, in a truly unromantic sense, it will add a lot of value to my life in the long run to remain married to my husband. In a slightly more romantic sense: I adore the man, we are learning together to turn our mostly-healthy-marriage into an enduring partnership, and he is a wonderful father. We've invested a lot of time, energy, and emotion into our relationship, and I'll be damned if I'm jumping ship any time soon.
As a mother, I must constantly practice patience, calm, and flexibility. Warmth, kindness, and love truly do come more easily with my son than they do with virtually anyone else. I love my husband very much, but sometimes I do have to remind myself of that. My son and I have a biological bond that can never be changed, and unconditional love is very much built into that for me. It is also imperative to me that my son is raised in an enriching, loving, and open-minded home, where we learn to roll with the punches together as a family. I invest a lot of time, energy, and emotion into ensuring that this is always the case.
My business professional role, while perhaps not as emotionally prioritized, is certainly still weighted heavily. My husband is a stay-at-home parent, and I am the sole provider (of money!) for our family. I am naturally quite ambitious, but when I also must consider the financial well-being of my entire family, it ends up placing my career at a higher priority than I might sometimes like. Because I also manage a team of fairly high-level, career-minded professionals, I absolutely must invest a lot of time, energy, and emotion into supporting their personal and professional growth.
As you've likely noticed, the three hats I wear vary widely in size and weight, but they have one thing in common: they take a whole lot of my time, energy, and emotion. It's easy to get swept up in that and forget to take care of myself. I might be tempted, for instance, to prioritize my husband's needs after a long day in the office by giving him an evening off to spend with his friends. But if our son is having a particularly emotional day (ahh those 2 year olds and their great, big emotions!), and I've had a particularly challenging day in the office, I'm not doing anyone any favors by taking on the added stress of solo parenting for a night. I will end up feeling drained and angry, and my son will most assuredly not experience the aforementioned patience, calm, and flexibility. This is where that "heck no" I mentioned earlier comes in. My husband probably won't like it--he's had an emotionally challenging day too, after all--but if I'm not advocating for myself in those moments, then before I know it, I'm exhausted, I have no emotional energy left to spend on my family (or myself), and I will undoubtedly become resentful of my husband for failing to notice that I was approaching that point.
It's hard to say "heck no" when you really, really, really want to give that person what they're asking for. But sometimes you truly have to make yourself priority number 1 (for the sake of your sanity), and that's OK too. If you're like me, you probably don't do it as often as you should, and the people in your life will likely be supportive and encouraging once they understand where you're coming from.
So practice some "heck no" skills! When possible, a "heck no" should really be served with an alternative. You'll notice, also, that you may not literally need to say "heck no." Here are some examples of "heck no" in action:
Husband: Would you mind a foot rub?
Me: Heck no!
Husband: Would it be alright if I left the house to spend time with my friends right when you get home from that 12-hour day you mentioned in a text message?
Me: Heck no! Can I take a 30 minute nap to rejuvenate before you leave?
Employee: I know you're swamped today, but can we meet for an hour to discuss the new pricing structure we're rolling out next month?
Me: Not now, but I can meet with you tomorrow at 9am. Would that work for you?
Son: Choo choo! CHOO CHOO!
Me: Heck no! You already watched one episode of Thomas, so TV time is over for today. Would you like to read a Thomas book instead?
Husband: I'm tired. Can I play video games during little man's naptime, instead of cleaning the kitchen?
Me: Heck no! I hate doing the dishes before I can make dinner. Can you do just the dishes, then play video games afterward?
There's a lot of pressure on us to say "yes" as often as possible, and that's fine and great and good and we should certainly do that. But I'm here to advocate for a little "heck no," too!
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