Add a little "heck no" to your life

Give a little. Compromise. Meet in the middle. These are obviously important concepts when it comes to both relationships and general negotiation. In my professional life as a manager, in particular, I try to approach everything as fairly and evenly as possible, and I employ these concepts wherever I can. But there are also times when a little "heck no" is called for. Those are the times I'm ruminating upon today.

I am a wife, mother, and business professional. These are three very different hats for me to wear at any given time, but they are all incredibly--if not necessarily equally--important. As a wife, I strive to be loving, kind, and understanding. I attempt to prioritize my husband's needs as much as possible (within reason, of course). I invest heavily in our relationship because, in a truly unromantic sense, it will add a lot of value to my life in the long run to remain married to my husband. In a slightly more romantic sense: I adore the man, we are learning together to turn our mostly-healthy-marriage into an enduring partnership, and he is a wonderful father. We've invested a lot of time, energy, and emotion into our relationship, and I'll be damned if I'm jumping ship any time soon.

As a mother, I must constantly practice patience, calm, and flexibility. Warmth, kindness, and love truly do come more easily with my son than they do with virtually anyone else. I love my husband very much, but sometimes I do have to remind myself of that. My son and I have a biological bond that can never be changed, and unconditional love is very much built into that for me. It is also imperative to me that my son is raised in an enriching, loving, and open-minded home, where we learn to roll with the punches together as a family. I invest a lot of time, energy, and emotion into ensuring that this is always the case.

My business professional role, while perhaps not as emotionally prioritized, is certainly still weighted heavily. My husband is a stay-at-home parent, and I am the sole provider (of money!) for our family. I am naturally quite ambitious, but when I also must consider the financial well-being of my entire family, it ends up placing my career at a higher priority than I might sometimes like. Because I also manage a team of fairly high-level, career-minded professionals, I absolutely must invest a lot of time, energy, and emotion into supporting their personal and professional growth.

As you've likely noticed, the three hats I wear vary widely in size and weight, but they have one thing in common: they take a whole lot of my time, energy, and emotion. It's easy to get swept up in that and forget to take care of myself. I might be tempted, for instance, to prioritize my husband's needs after a long day in the office by giving him an evening off to spend with his friends. But if our son is having a particularly emotional day (ahh those 2 year olds and their great, big emotions!), and I've had a particularly challenging day in the office, I'm not doing anyone any favors by taking on the added stress of solo parenting for a night. I will end up feeling drained and angry, and my son will most assuredly not experience the aforementioned patience, calm, and flexibility. This is where that "heck no" I mentioned earlier comes in. My husband probably won't like it--he's had an emotionally challenging day too, after all--but if I'm not advocating for myself in those moments, then before I know it, I'm exhausted, I have no emotional energy left to spend on my family (or myself), and I will undoubtedly become resentful of my husband for failing to notice that I was approaching that point.

It's hard to say "heck no" when you really, really, really want to give that person what they're asking for. But sometimes you truly have to make yourself priority number 1 (for the sake of your sanity), and that's OK too. If you're like me, you probably don't do it as often as you should, and the people in your life will likely be supportive and encouraging once they understand where you're coming from.

So practice some "heck no" skills! When possible, a "heck no" should really be served with an alternative. You'll notice, also, that you may not literally need to say "heck no." Here are some examples of "heck no" in action:

Husband: Would you mind a foot rub?
Me: Heck no!

Husband: Would it be alright if I left the house to spend time with my friends right when you get home from that 12-hour day you mentioned in a text message?
Me: Heck no! Can I take a 30 minute nap to rejuvenate before you leave?

Employee: I know you're swamped today, but can we meet for an hour to discuss the new pricing structure we're rolling out next month?
Me: Not now, but I can meet with you tomorrow at 9am. Would that work for you?

Son: Choo choo! CHOO CHOO!
Me: Heck no! You already watched one episode of Thomas, so TV time is over for today. Would you like to read a Thomas book instead?

Husband: I'm tired. Can I play video games during little man's naptime, instead of cleaning the kitchen?
Me: Heck no! I hate doing the dishes before I can make dinner. Can you do just the dishes, then play video games afterward?

There's a lot of pressure on us to say "yes" as often as possible, and that's fine and great and good and we should certainly do that. But I'm here to advocate for a little "heck no," too!

How can I be happier?

I have the unbeliveable luck of working for a truly fantastic company, and one of the many benefits of working there is that we work closely with  renowned positive psychologist Dr. Robert Biswas-Diener. I've learned a lot from his talks, but there's one that continues to stand out to me more than any of the others.

I recently watched his TedxTalk Your Happiest Days are Behind You, and I was really struck by it. As I've mentioned, I love being happy, and it's something I think about a lot. But am I caught in a trap of constantly seeking out future happiness? Is it keeping me from truly absorbing the happiness of the present, or appreciating the happiness of the past?

In this talk, he reminds us that the best source of happiness actually comes from our past. And isn't that true? The future is uncertain to say the least, but I can "drag those experiences from the past into the present" and experience them all over again, and feel just as much joy--and maybe even more!--as I did then.

So today I encourage you to take a moment and live in the past. Maybe it's the moment your now-husband got down on one knee to propose, the moment your firstborn came into the world and screamed those tiny screams as you stared at him in amazement. Or maybe it's as simple as a clear summer evening, spent wallowing on a sun-soaked porch with your closest friends, crickets singing in the background.

If you ever find yourself thinking, "I wish I were happier," I challenge you to take a step back and reflect (and appreciate) all of the happiness you've had in your life. You might be surprised at how much you can recreate that joy!

A generous abundance of kindness

I've been trying this thing lately. Essentially, if I have a positive experience when doing something--no matter how tiny the "positive" aspect may have been--I try to compliment the other person involved.

For instance, I might order coffee from my friendly neighborhood coffee joint. If I don't wait long to receive it, I'll say "Wow, you're fast!" A small compliment to be sure, but there's also a really good chance that the tiny compliment I just passed on significantly brightened that person's day.

And who the heck wouldn't want that?

Frankly, I enjoy being happy. And in similar fashion, I enjoy being around happy people. I also enjoy making people happy! Happiness is kind of a thing for me, if you couldn't tell.

So I think about reciprocity a lot. I think reciprocity is one of those things that we're all, as humans, inclined to take for granted. It's so easy to think only of yourself, particularly in a society so driven by technology. The very essence of technology makes it possible to live in your own little bubble, without ever having to interact with other people face-to-face. That makes it even easier to forget other people's feelings, doesn't it?

The idea of reciprocity has been studied many times over, so I'm sure it's not shocking news for you to hear that people with a reputation for being helpful are more likely to be proactively offered help themselves. And if you've ever driven on the freeway, you've probably noticed that if someone is polite and allows you to merge easily, you're more inclined to do the same thing for other drivers. And in a business environment, the idea of reciprocity has even more interesting implications!

I think the idea of paying it forward has gotten a bit muddled in recent years, but what it really comes down to is a generosity of kindness. Be polite, say thank you, and if you think that cashier at the grocery store did a great job, tell her! Send your significant other a text message that says nothing but "You have a gorgeous smile." Get your coworker a cup of coffee from the break room. Open a door for a stranger. Give up your seat on the bus. You never know what kind of impact those small actions might make.

Go forth and make happiness!

Give Me Gratitude or Give Me Debt

I was incredibly moved by the blog post Give Me Gratitude or Give Me Debt by Glennon Doyle at Momastery. I very highly recommend it! I'll be keeping my perspectacles on now, that's for sure.

1. In which I attempt to explain.

I really enjoy being upbeat and positive. I try to be that person in your office, neighborhood, or in the car next to you in the freeway, who's quick with a warm smile and a friendly wave. I'm patient, generous, and kind.

At least I try to be.

I'm human, too, so sometimes I yell at the dog. I might roll my eyes at my husband, or ask my son to just leave me alone for 5 damn minutes. I don't feel good about those moments, but they're real, and pretending they don't exist doesn't help anyone; least of all me.

So, what is this blog? ...OK, so I actually have no clue. I've been inspired by a friend to spread my wings and remove myself from the confines of "social media," to find enriching experiences every day, and to love myself and the people around me a little more.

It's an adventure!